Seven Ways to Destroy Your Marriage

I recently stumbled across an article in The Christian Post by Perry Noble entitled Seven Ways to Destroy Your Marriage. Noble is the Senior Pastor of NewSpring Church in Anderson, SC. His columns in The Christian Post are often lists of things like 10 Things I Wish I Could Say to Every Church Leader or 10 Signs You Are an Insecure Leader. What he said here about ways to destroy your marriage resonated with me enough that I reworked and edited them a little and then decided to share them here. I’ll explain why I decided to share them at the end of the blog.

• Talk About Not To Them. When issues arise, complain to your friends (or mother) rather than talk patiently with your spouse. After all, your friends are always going to agree with you (or let you think they do).
  
• Don’t Listen. Use the time they are talking to think up stronger arguments of your own; when you have one, jump right in with it and interrupt their point. After all, if you aren’t going to listen to their point, why waste time letting them make it.
  
• Always Assume the Worst. Always assign the worst possible motive to everything your spouse says or does. Don't EVER ask for a clarification or explanation. Grace is something that you say over meals, not something you extend to your spouse.
  
• Make Your Goal Winning the Argument. Didn’t Lombardi say that winning isn’;t the most important thing; it’s the only thing? Don’t show any weakness; go for the jugular right from the start. Win at all costs, even if it means saying things that hurt. An argument is war, and all is fair in love and war!
  
• View Your Spouse As the Enemy. If your goal is to win, then you can’t see yourself on the same team as your spouse. Don’t show any weakness or softness or you will put yourself at a disadvantage during the next disagreement or argument.
  
• Focus On Their Shortcomings. Stress how they don’t "meet your needs" and need to " do better" as much as possible. By all means do NOT take a look at yourself and what you could improve. Everything MUST be blamed on them.
  
• Do NOT Have Fun Together. Don't have mutual friends. Don't have date nights. Don't do anything fun. When out together, make sure you spend as much time on your phone as you can.

So why did I share Noble’s list on my… AFTER I had reworked it a bit? Well, you might think it’s because I've known and know couples that exhibit all of these flaws… and I do, of course. But the reason I shared them here is because I recognized in myself the tendency toward most of these flaws. By the grace of God, I am able to mostly keep them in check... usually.  But these little monsters are always there threatening to undermine the relationship I have with my wife. Marriages are made out of two broken people; they will not be sustained if we routine give in to what comes naturally.

May God help us to continue to fight the good fight against our flesh as we seek to allow Him to mold our marriages more and more into His image.

From Here to Eternity

Yesterday we began a new sermon series entitled “From Here to Eternity.” We'll be looking at how keeping a forever-perspective changes the way we make decisions in the here and now. Jesus tells us that we are to live in the moment without worrying about tomorrow (Matt 6:34), but that only works if we are laying up forever ourselves treasure in heaven (Matt 6:20). We live fully in the NOW with an eye on FOREVER. This is how God created us to live— God has “set eternity in the human heart” (Eccl 3:11). We were not created for only the here and now; we were made for eternity.

We ended the sermon looking at the example of Nick Vujicic. The first thing you might notice about Nick is his infectious smile or maybe his sense of humor; the second thing that you notice is that Nick has no arms and legs. He was born with Tetra-Amelia syndrome, a very rare genetic disorder that causes badies to be born without extremities. Nick has been able to rise above his condition through his faith in God’s forever. His autobiography is entitled Life Without Limits: Inspiration for a Ridiculously Good Life. We watched a slightly edited version of this video:



If all there is to life is what there is under the sun, then life is a meaningless vanity of vanities for everyone, especially for someone like Nick Vujicic. What keeps Nick positive and upbeat about his “ridiculouslygood life” is that God has set eternity in his heart. He knows that this life is not all there is, and this forever forever changes how he chooses to live in the here and now. And eternity should change how you live our life in your daily grind as well.

I ran across a question and answer column today that illustrates this point in a way that many will find hard to hear. The question was about divorce—

My wife and I are at an impasse. There's been no abandonment, no sexual immorality, and no abuse. We just don't get along. We shouldn't have married. We should have known we are incompatible. I know God hates divorce but I don't have any other option. My pastor and some Christian counselors have told me that while God hates divorce, this is the lesser of two evils because God doesn't want me to be miserable. What do you think?

I'm going to include below a slightly edited for space version of the answer given by Dr. Russell D. Moore, and  I'll give the URL to the whole article at the end. What strikes me here is that Moore answers this based on the contrast between the forever and the here and now. I really think we all need to decide if we really believe in eternity and if we are going to live like we believe it. The “eternity in our heart” really does change everything.

Divorce isn't about you, and it's not just about your marriage. Divorce is the repudiation of a covenant. It doesn't start anything over again. It instead defaces the icon God has embedded in the creation of the union between Christ and his church (Eph. 5:22-31). 

Does God want you to be miserable? Long-term, no. And that's why God has designed marriage as a life-long covenant signaling the gospel of Jesus Christ. In the long-term, God wants you to be deliriously happy. But by long-term, I mean the next trillion years, and beyond. In the short-term, one often must bear difficulty and, yes, even misery. Remaining faithful to a wife you wish you hadn't married might seem miserable to you, but taking up a cross and following Jesus is "miserable," in the short-run. That's why the Book of Hebrews presents the life of faith in terms of not receiving what was promised (Heb. 11:39), but seeing it and embracing it from afar. 

If you take the nuclear option of divorce off the table, you might find that you and your wife have more reason to seek help with your problems and make this work. But even if your marriage never becomes what you thought it might be, it is worth it to stand by your words and maintain fidelity to the wife of your youth. What God has joined together, let no man separate (Mk. 10:9).

http://www.christianpost.com/news/should-i-divorce-if-im-miserable-71560/

Suspicious Minds

Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me

When you don’t believe a word I say

We can’t go on together with suspicious minds

And we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds

Those words from the 1969 Elvis hit (which has been covered by everyone from Waylon Jennings to Dwight Yokum to Fine Young Cannibals to Clay Aiken) are rattling around in my head this morning… and it’s Moses fault. In Numbers 5, Moses gives instructions on what a husband is to do if he suspects that his wife has been cheating on him-- he has a suspicious mind but no witnesses or proof. What was a husband to do in a patriarchal culture in which he holds all the power if he suspected that his wife was guilty of infidelity? Well, in most ancient cultures, the answer was “Anything he wants.” But that was not the case in Israel. Later Rabbis would allow divorce for any reason where the husband found anything “displeasing to him” (Deut 24:1), but in Numbers 5, the mere suspicion of infidelity was not enough to cause a wife to be charged with adultery.

What Moses gives here is a complicated “trial by ordeal” involving the offering of a grain sacrifice, the mixing of holy water with dust from the tabernacle floor, a priest pronouncing curses over the women who is accused,  and the writing of those curses on a scroll over which the bitter water was poured.  Then the accused wife drank the bitter water-- and if she was guilty, her abdomen would swell and her thigh fall away (or her womb shrink or she would miscarry; the exact details aren’t so clear and vary by translation, though none seem very pleasant). If nothing happened after she drank the bitter water (other than wrinkling up her nose after she drank), then she was to be accepted by all-- including her husband-- as innocent.  In other words, God Himself would take care of punishing those guilty of hidden sin.

Does this “trial by ordeal” sounds barbaric?  Purity was extremely important in God’s order of things. Sin was not something committed only against other people; ultimately it was against God (see Deut 5:5-10). Adultery was a threat to the whole community and was an affront to the holiness of God, and for that reason, the man or woman convicted of adultery faced the penalty of death (Lev 20:10). But the mere suspicion of adultery was not the same thing as someone being convicted. So God included this “trial by ordeal” basically to protect women from being spuriously accused by their husbands. If they were guilty, God would decide their guilt through miraculous intervention.

 Interestingly, a similar (though completely different) “trial by ordeal” was used for women accused of witchcraft in the Middle Ages. The accused would be tied hand and foot and thrown into a river. If they floated, then they were guilty of witchcraft.  If they sank and drowned, then they were declared innocent… and dead. In other words, an accusation was a presumption of guilt.  In Numbers 5, there a presumption of innocence and a willingness to leave justice in the hands of God.

It would have been easy in ancient Israel for community gossip to cause a husband to suspect his wife of unfaithfulness. Gossip and innuendo can be dangerous and deadly in the modern church as well. Israel was taught to trust God to bring about justice… and we are taught the same thing (Rom 12:19). We don’t have an elaborate “trial by ordeal” ceremony. What we have is a cross and the grace of God that was extended to us… and that we are to extend to one another.

The Named and the Nameless

As we started reading the book of Numbers in our chronological trek through the Old Testament, we are immediately reminded why Numbers is called “Numbers.” Numbers 1 gives a detailed accounting of the census conducted of the Israelite men of fighting age a little more than a year after they left Egypt. Numbers 2 gives, also in great detail, of how the Israelite tribes were divided into divisions, how many men were in each division, and how they were to camp around the Tabernacle. OK, so Math has never been my favorite subject and I’m sure that I would make a lousy accountant. It was tempting to “observe the Passover” and skip over the numbers in Numbers this morning.

But then it dawned on me that Numbers isn’t really about numbers at all. It is about people; the numbers reported in the opening of the book represented individual people who were loved by God. These numbers represent unknown people to us, but they were known by God. Consider for minute the men who were named as leaders over the tribes of Israel in Numbers—

Elizur son of Shedeur (Rueben), Shelumiel son of Zurishaddai (Simeon), Nahshon son of Amminadab (Judah), Nethanel son of Zuar (Issachar), Eliab son of Helon (Zebulun), Elishama son of Ammihud (Ephraim), Gamaliel son of Pedahzur (Manasseh), Abidan son of Gideoni (Benjamin), Ahiezer son of Ammishaddai (Dan), Pagiel son of Okran (Asher), Eliasaph son of Deuel (Gad), and Ahira son of Enan (Naphtali).

These men were singled out by God and appointed as leaders over the tribes of Israel. Think about the implication for these real flesh-and-blood people—they were chosen by God and given the responsibility to lead the people of God at this critical juncture in their history. These are just 12 names out of the 603,550 names compiled during census that gives Numbers its name. These were all real people with real stories. They are also really obscure.

That’s the point that struck me. The only time these men are mentioned in the rest of the story of Israel is in Numbers 7 and 10 as they do ceremonial tasks as the leaders of the tribes of Israel. Well, Nahshon is mentioned several times in genealogical lists because he is from Judah and was an ancestor of David... and of Jesus. And Eliab is mentioned in Numbers 16 only because his two sons Dathan and Abiram joined with Korah in an ill-fated revolt against Moses. But these leaders of the tribes aren’t mentioned in the failure of Israel to enter into Canaan. They aren't mentioned in any of the stories of the complaining and rebelling during the wilderness wandering. In other words, though they were appointed as leaders in Israel, they provide no real leadership for the people of God. They became just names that represent the nameless 603,548 men (all but Joshua and Caleb) who died in the wilderness because they would not trust God to lead them into Canaan.

God knew each of these 603, 550 men by name. He called a few of them by name serve in specific ways.  He called all 603, 550 of them to faithfulness in following His leadership.   And yet they all remain for us "the nameless" because they refused to trust God and follow where He was leading. Maybe if we try really hard, we can find a lesson somewhere in this for ourselves?

Sometimes the Best Thing We Can SaySometimes the Best Thing We Can Say

Sometimes the best thing we can say in the face of disaster, suffering and heartache is… nothing. In Job, a tornado killed all of Job’s children.  That was actually only one of the disasters that befell Job, but that was  certainly the most devastating. Job's friends showed up to comfort him, and they sat silently with him for a week without saying anything (Job 2:13). When they started talking, they started accusing Job of doing something to deserve God’s wrath. They should have kept quiet; they were true friends when they kept quiet.  Sometimes the best thing we can say in the face of pain and heartache is nothing.

This past week, the heartland of our country was devastated by a series of 90 tornadoes that cut a wide swath of death and destruction-- 39 people dead, entire families killed and some small towns almost completely destroyed. The country’s attention was captured by a toddler who had been dropped alive into the middle of a cornfield after her entire family had been  killed, but sadly 15 month old Angel Babcock later died from her injuries. There were other “miracle” stories (like the mother who lost both legs protecting her kids), but there wasn't one for little Angel. Why? Why do such tragedies happen? Why didn't God step into prevent such loss and heartache?

Sometimes the best thing we can say in the face of disaster and pain and heartache is nothing. Sadly, too many Christian “experts” were much too quick to speak up and say something. Not only were their words not  helpful; they were hurtful.

John Piper, a leading Calvinist preacher and scholar, suggests that God sent the storms for his own purposes. He wrote, “If a tornado twists at 175 miles an hour and stays on the ground like a massive lawnmower for 50 miles, God gave the command.” He quotes several passages in the Bible where God used winds, and then suggests that God used the tornadoes to bring death and suffering in rural America to teach a lesson to the rest America. “Jesus rules the wind. The tornadoes were his.”

Pat Robertson took a different tact in dealing with the storms. He said that God is not to blame for the storms… people are. God set up an orderly world with certain metrological laws that act as “release mechanisms” that show themselves in storms like tornadoes and hurricanes. People are hurt by these storms because “people decide they want to build their houses on the edge of an ocean. It’s their fault, not God’s fault.”

Neither of these statements is helpful. Sure, God did sometimes use winds in the Bible to accomplish His will, but that does mean that every wind comes from Him. The tornado that blew down the house that killed Job’s children came from Satan, not God. Jesus said “The wind blows wherever it pleases” (John 3:8).  Ecclesiastes sees the blowing of the wind as proof that the world is random and “meaningless” (Eccl 1:6). To attribute every wind that blows to the direct and intentional will of God is simply wrong.

It’s also both wrong-- and heartless-- to suggest that the people in places like Maryville, Indiana are somehow to blame because they chose to live in the path of the storm. Storms happen. Where in world can one live to never at risk of suffering the “wrath of nature” in some form? To dismiss suffering by suggesting that the sufferers brought in on themselves is certainly not the heart of Jesus!

Sometimes the best thing we can say is nothing. We can’t always understand why bad things happen. We don’t know why God chooses to answer some prayers and not answer others... or rather, to answer them by saying “No."  All we can do is to move close to the ones who are suffering and do what we can to help. Anything we say in times of suffering is likely to be the wrong thing. Sometimes the best thing we can say is nothing.

Sad But True

Last week, the state senate of Maryland by a voted to recognize homosexual marriage by a 25 to 22 margin. Gov. Martin O’Malley has said that he would sign to sign this bill into law, which makes Maryland the seventh state to legalize homosexual marriage. To win passage in the House of Delegates, there was a compromise that allows opponents to place the new law on the November ballot, leaving the possibility for opponents to repeal it. Polls show that Maryland is almost evenly divided on this issue, so the November referendum means that it will not be politics as usual in Maryland this fall.

This will likely prove a difficulty for President Obama. The president has been soliciting support from the gay community in his reelection campaign, but he has stopped short of fully embracing marriage rights In the last election, Obama expressed opposition to gay marriage, but now he has hinted that his views are “evolving.” Supporters of the bill will likely pressure him to weigh in on the referendum in November, and that is a problem for him. African-American church leaders in Maryland have led the charge opposing the measure. It is those church leaders who are expected to encourage grass-roots Democratic support. The Washington Post suggests, “If the debate in Maryland’s legislature is any guide, the mixture of emotions among African Americans over gay marriage will not be an easy issue for Obama to navigate.”  Politics is often the practice of being able to say with a straight face, “I have friends on one side of this issue and friends on the other side of this issue… and I always stand with my friends!” It seems like it is going to be hard for the president to stand with his friends on this one!

We need to decide where we are going to stand here.  It seems to me that part of being created in the image of God is being created male and female (Gen 1:27). That statement of our unity with God and diversity of gender because the foundation of marriage, not only for Adam and Eve, but for all time. Paul argues in Romans 1:26-27 that same gender sex is a violation of the natural created order—

For this reason God gave them over to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged the natural sexual relations for unnatural ones, and likewise the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed in their passions for one another. (NET)

Bible doesn't say nearly as much about homosexuality as it might appear given all the rhetoric these days.  But what the Bible does say is very consistent from the Old to the New Testament. Not everyone weighing in on this issue cares about the Bible' not everyone who cares about the Bible reads it the same.  But because of how I read it, I am left with little choice on where to stand.

To be perfectly honest, the Bible isn't any more clear on homosexual marriage as it is on heterosexual divorce.  In fact, the Bible is probably clearer on divorce.  So why are the no political movements by evangelicals to outlaw divorce? Why are the very politicians who speak the loudest of protecting marriage often the biggest offenders when it comes to divorce? It is a sad but true fact that many Christians who see homosexual marriage as a great threat to the institution of marriage look at divorce among us as a sad but true fact! I’m personally just not too interested in hearing people scream about the sin of homosexual marriage unless they are equally opposed to heterosexual divorce, not in the way they vote but in the way they live with their husbands and wives.